There’s no easy way to start this but in my last post I mentioned that my moods have been extremely low lately, making me lose motivation to do things.
I haven’t been diagnosed with PND but I’ve always struggled with anxiety and depression. Having Logan is an absolute blessing and I wouldn’t change him for the world. In fact he is the only thing I can be positive about! However for past few months I’ve really struggled with how I’m feeling about a lot of things, my appearance, weight loss, when I’m ready to go to work ect.
On social media it is so easy to basically fake having this perfect life, I’m sure the biggest YouTube stars or any celebs in that matter do it. You only see such a small fraction of someone’s day/life. If you follow me on Instagram you’ll notice the odd few posts where I’m ‘happy’ with my weight, yes of course I’m happy to fit into a size 8 but I can’t stand seeing how different my body looks. I now have three new scars, one that looks like a worm and a bunch of stretch marks. I’m used to being a little chubby as I’ve always had a muffin top that’s extremely hard to shift. I’m hoping one day I’ll learn to love it but right now I hate it along with my appearance. I have no time to mess around with make up these days I’d much rather put all my time in Logan and go make up free but even on the chances I do get chance to put a little bit of make up on I feel no different within myself, which is odd because make up used to give me a confidence boost. One silly thing I’m doing a lot lately is constantly comparing myself to other girls , having trust issues and friends that would rather meet strangers has brought this on. I’m constantly thinking ‘what have they got I haven’t ? Is it the way I look ? Have I become boring now I have a baby?’ I compare and ask myself all these questions and then make rushed decisions to change my appearance or how I want to act. I’ve done this for so long now I’ve actually forgot who the real me is.
Which brings me on to the next thing that hugely bothers me which is socialising, for years I’ve slightly struggled to make friends and be social but now it just seems to be much harder. I overthink EVERYTHING. If we don’t have a natural click then il struggle to even have a conversation, I always think the worst on what people may think of me. Which brings me to another issue, when will I be ready to go back to work?
I’m really starting to miss working and earning my own money, the worst feeling in the world is struggling to get by and having to rely on others to do nice things. I’d love to be able to pay off my debts and spoil Logan and Jonny. I hate that it’s a bit one sided at the moment. But I’m also struggling been away from Logan. I’ve tried a few hours but it’s been hard I expect it to get easier but I have huge anxiety that something will happen to him even if I have full trust in the person I’ve left him with.
When I do have a good day where I’m slightly confident something gets in the way to bring me right back down to square one. It’s like a viscous circle of horrible thoughts and my brain having these thoughts at 100 mph I can’t seem to stop them. It’s causing issues with my relationship as I now don’t feel good enough anymore and I have major trust issues, even relationships with friends I’m always questioning who’s actually a real friend, if they judge your parenting or lack making effort with me because they’d rather meet other people or they forget to include me.
Nothing (other than Logan) is enjoyable anymore, hobbies, going for a walk nothing.
I have no clue where I’m going with this but I’m guessing I’ve written this to make myself feel better and for anyone else who feels the same, you’re not alone. Mental health , it sucks.