Mama In Lockdown – Life Update

Wow, well here we are again. Nearly a whole year since I’ve taken the time to write a blog post. A whole year I’m about to recap on. I feel like this whole year has gone in a blink and how CRAZY is it to think we are now in a pandemic. Wow.

Lockdown and 2020 has been pretty tough for all of us but it got me thinking. Looking back on the last year 2020 has nothing on the year before. Lockdown?! pfft we had practice for this shit TWICE.

From when I last wrote a blog we were living in a caravan up in the Scottish Borders, Beautiful place but very remote. It had a lot of perks now I look back but also a lot of negatives. During my time in Scotland I was trying to adjust to being a mum of 2 in a very small space. I had no family and no childcare and Jonny worked pretty much all hours of the day so that loneliness and mum guilt hit me like tonne of bricks. The thing is I was still battling with my daemons from my pregnancy with Lara, I thought I could tackle PND without the help of professional but I was wrong.



I began to lose interest in the things I once loved. My relationships started to fall apart not just with Jonny but with friends and family also. My behaviour was toxic. As always its so easy to filter out the bad when you post online, people, strangers and friends all thought I had it all together when that was so so far from the truth.

Fast forward to November and a long awaited holiday came about. I was so looking forward to this holiday I was hoping that being away with my family and friends would cure depression and make everything better but like the rest of 2019 it had to come with bad luck.

Tunisia.

The start to this holiday was an emotional rollercoaster, When we got to the airport Jonny had won some money so it was all off to a great start, that was until we needed spare clothes for Logan as we stupidly put all of his clothes in the suitcase! failure to get him some spare clothes in duty free we resulted to dressing him in one of Lara’s sleep suits by wrapping it around his waist. When it came to boarding Lara became really unsettled and everyone on the flight had eyes on my child. Worse feeling ever knowing you’re being judged for having a child who’s disturbing the whole plane. With all the crying I thought boarding was lasting a lifetime and I looked down at my phone to realise we had been sat on this plane for an hour (why wonder she was crying!) some inconsiderate passenger held us all up by drinking too much.

Soon as we set off things become settled and excitement really did begin to kick in when we had landed. Especially when you get hit with that warm holiday air when you step off the plane. Our transfer didn’t take long to arrive at our hotel and what a hotel it was!
Our bags was taken from us to our rooms and we all got a drink on arrival.
I really couldn’t fault this hotel or the staff as they definitely made this holiday. unfortunately both Jonny and Logan got ill on the second night in looking back now I’m sure this may have been corona.

Me and Danni had braved going out of the hotel on our own to book excursions for the week and oh how we wish we stuck to the hotel reps. We had paid for a camel ride in the desert and what a shambles it was. As mentioned above the boys was ill so was hard to fully enjoy but we felt unsafe and the site we saw on how these poor animals are treated were cruel. I was vlogging this trip at the time and it sickens me how these young men could punch an animal! I’m ashamed my money went toward a bunch of animal abusers. Oh and desert.. yeah wasn’t what we quite imagined the trip was someone’s back yard.

Before the week came to an end I had booked in for a massage and mud bath. Of course on my little break away from parenting to get some well deserved pamper time I ended up walking out from my massage looking like a character out of Shark Tale! My face had swelled up to the point I struggled to see . This is when I discovered I’m allergic to mosquitos.

INSURANCE guys insurance make sure you have it when you go abroad because my god you couldn’t make it up. From delays both to and from the destination, 2x doctor call outs and medication needed and dodgy days out. Yeah Tunisia was a disaster and a place I would never visit again for sure! And I’m gutted as I was so excited to visit and explore the place. To top it off this is where I started to fall out with my best friend.

Malta

3 days after coming home from Tunisia we headed out to Malta, unfortunately we couldn’t bring Logan with us as he was still very ill. I had extreme mum guilt for leaving him behind but he quickly recovered and had the best time with his nana. Malta had definitely made up for the previous holiday and with Lara being so young it was nice to have some much needed couple time.

Again this holiday went off to a bad start with delays but we soon got over it when we turned up at our hotel and had a free room upgrade and what an upgrade it was. The view was incredible, we could clearly see the island of Gozo, we had a huge private balcony and an infinity pool.
There was so much to do in Malta also compared to Tunisia, every day was a new adventure. We would hop on a bus and see where it would take us and go walking for miles. Jonny also celebrated his birthday out there and this day was spent in the pub. We met some lovely locals who we are still in contact with today, One thing I can take back from Malta … everyone is so friendly!

My highlight from Malta was the full day trip to Gozo and Comino and the Christmas market in Valletta. I’m not a huge fan of Christmas but I do enjoy a good market and I have to say Valletta Christmas market is a hidden gem and seriously underrated. Lara also met Santa, she had no clue what was happening but she sure enjoyed the cuddle and attention.. oh and chewing on her present.


Christmas Disaster

Roll on to Christmas time , the time of year I dread the most. People will call me a Scrooge but what’s meant to be the “Happiest time” of year is usually the complete opposite…every .single . year. Christmas is always a stressful time of year, you can guarantee something breaking on you like the oven, The stress of shopping and overspending to make people happy and arguments. Lots of arguments and disagreements always happen during Christmas.

Last years Christmas my relationship was falling apart, I cut off contact from my family and Jonny’s family and I also had a big fall out with my best friend. I lost everyone who mattered to me. The world felt toxic and everything and everyone felt like they were against me and although this was my darkest and shittest time I am so bloody thankful I went through it.

I wouldn’t be where I am right now without everything blowing up and pushing me to my limits at Christmas.

Come new year, with only pennies left in both of our banks. We spontaneously (out of anger) took the leap and moved into our own family home after one very random house viewing we never made plans for. This was a fresh start, Jonny got a new and better job and the kids had their own room, I had space for my business that I had just started up and things were looking up.

Our new home

Moving. It’s one most stressful things you will do in your life and I can happily say that statement is true and I don’t want to be doing this again .. well not until I own my own home that’s for sure.
We have now been in our new home for around 7 months now (crazy to think as most of it has been in lockdown!) And although lockdown happened 3 weeks after moving in, its not been too bad!

My PND has been bad for sure in them first weeks during lockdown but we’ve had a lot a positives. I plucked up the courage to go to my first baby group on my own , I was the first to arrive too which was super awkward but I’m so proud that I came out of my comfort zone and didn’t rely on needing someone else to go with I was looking forward to doing this weekly and gaining new friends but COVID got in the way of that.

Lara has had so many firsts in this house which is so special, she did her first crawl, learned to walk, first word she has come on amazingly and as for Logan he’s now getting speech therapy and his speech has improved so so much.

My photography has grown quickly too, I started my business November last year and as much as I give my self a hard time over feeling like I’m not good enough I’ve done well for my first year of business especially during a pandemic.

New beginning

So now I’m settled in and I’m in a place with so many opportunities I’m finally taking the leap and going back into education. I’ve always put the idea of uni off due to not being academically good enough. Since being rejected from the Army on medical terms at 16 I’ve been very lost with what I want to do career wise, I have a lot of interests but I’ve always been unsure. I love travelling but now I have kids I couldn’t imagine cabin crew fitting in with family life and as much as I’d LOVE to be a travel writer & photographer… which is doable it just isn’t a career option right now but maybe something I could do on the side.


I’ve played on the idea of going into policing as that is the job role I wanted in the Army but I love my business that I’ve just built up and my interest in crime has now become none existent. So I’ve decided to go into the Nursing and Midwifery route. It covers everything I’m interested and have a passion in, I still have no Idea what route I’m going down but I’m hoping I work it out soon if it be a Mental Health nurse, Child Psychologist or a Midwife. I know if you know me well you’ll be reading this and shaking your head on how I’ve yet again changed my mind on career but here we are ! I’m trying to find where I fit in this world and I think I finally have an idea and I’m defiantly more then ready to go back into education. I have more reason to be focused now compared to when I were 18 where I had no priorities.

And that’s a quick life update. I could cover so much more but I wanted to write this to mainly look back at how far I have come since last year and want to start focusing on the positives. It’s mind blowing to know we’ve moved 3 times in that year, had two holidays and adjusted to being a family of 4. 2020 Isn’t a bad year after all and it’s only going to become better.

I’m excited to see what else the year brings and I can’t wait to share some memories from our next few holidays planned. We *hopefully* go to Amsterdam this winter that’s if COVID doesn’t stop it of course! And we have Iceland to look forward to a few weeks after which I honestly can’t wait to tick off my bucket list, watching the northern lights with he person I love the most (Child free too BONUS!)

So thats it for now! I’m hoping to get back into blogging regular with life updates, story times, Baby names , tips and tricks & more!

I have missed all my readers and love ending my blogs with questions, so tell me. How are you and how have you dealt with Lockdown? What has been your favourite memory this year? Let me know in the comments and lets catch up!


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